Couples therapy can be an effective way of addressing and working through difficult patterns that arise in the course of our intimate relationships. Like individual therapy, couples therapy is often shrouded in stigma and viewed as a sign of “weakness” or a “bad relationship.” At best, labels like these are unhelpful; at worst, they are self-defeating and only serve to keep problematic relationship patterns in place. No relationship is perfect, and any successful relationship requires self-examination, honesty, and commitment.
My approach to working with couples is rooted in attachment theory and I first seek to understand the ways in which the couple relates in times of conflict. Common patterns that couples run into are the “pursuer”/”distancer” patterns, where one member of the couple seeks closeness in times of relational conflict, while the other partner seeks distance. Without understanding both individuals’ underlying attachment patterns, that is, our way of feeling secure in relation to an intimate loved one, we are more likely to be stuck in conditioned emotional responses that lead to the same unhelpful behaviors. Our attachment patterns are influenced by genetic predisposition, the way we connected with our parents as children, the way our parents connected to each other, and our own unique history of intimate relationships.
Though at times painful and hard work, couples therapy can be a powerful crucible in which we come to truly understand ourselves and the other.
“Love takes off the masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.”
-James Baldwin